I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
