someone threw a dead crab at me
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
