nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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