My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
