so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
