Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
