someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
