You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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