That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
