ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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