I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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