So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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