On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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