i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
