I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
