you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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