We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
