just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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