Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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