Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
