the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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