I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
