i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
