Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
