I think im going to throw up on grandma
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
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