Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize