my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
