I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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