I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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