dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
