If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I wish there were birth control emojis
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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