My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I think I won the penis lottery.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
