I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
