So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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