I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
