a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Randomize
