I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
