Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
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