why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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