I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
