your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
