Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
