I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
