I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I want to be your penis for a week.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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