I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize