well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Randomize
