The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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