If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize