I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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