I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
