Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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