So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
