Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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