I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
