Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
