So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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